


Hospital For Souls

by GrieverBitMyFinger



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Boys Kissing, Caring Sebastian, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Anguish, Poor Ciel Phantomhive, SebaCiel - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 18:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21040922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrieverBitMyFinger/pseuds/GrieverBitMyFinger
Summary: "Does it even matter?" That is all Ciel could think the moment his eyes slid open to the dull light of day. Sebastian would draw the curtains, the day would ensue, and he would never mention the question plaguing him. He is a demon, a creature so wholly unaccustomed to the feelings of mortals aside from what he learned watching his contractors over the centuries. Why would the earl ever bring up such thoughts to him? He understands love, the concept--the very feeling-- is one he too possesses. He understands greed and wrath as well, every emotion considered a deadly sin is something buried in the dark mass of his core. Butthis? This harrowing emptiness? He couldn't possibly grasp it.





	Hospital For Souls

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a little over an hour as a vent fic since it's been a really bad day.

"Does it even matter?" That is all Ciel could think the moment his eyes slid open to the dull light of day. Sebastian would draw the curtains, the day would ensue, and he would never mention the question plaguing him. He is a demon, a creature so wholly unaccustomed to the feelings of mortals aside from what he learned watching his contractors over the centuries. Why would the earl ever bring up such thoughts to him? He understands love, the concept--the very feeling-- is one he too possesses. He understands greed and wrath as well, every emotion considered a deadly sin is something buried in the dark mass of his core. But _this_? This harrowing emptiness? He couldn't possibly grasp it. The endless yearning to be understood. The internal turmoil whose cause he could never place. Perhaps it had developed recently with his increasing amounts of stress, or maybe it been there since the fire--simmering in the back of his mind, pushed from the forefront by his craving for revenge and insatiable lust for his butler. But no matter the cause or time of its appearance, it was rearing its ugly head in the worst of ways for the last fortnight. He could barely think straight without sending himself into a panic attack, he had to force down every bite of food and entirely forego the desserts he used to love, and he hadn't gotten more the eight hours of sleep total in three days. When he did manage to slumber, it was short lived. He was restless, anxious, melancholy.

There was a hollow in his chest, eating away at him day after day. It couldn't be filled, nor could the pain within it be soothed. It just festered there, destroying the fragile remnants of what light is left in his soul. He wanted it gone by any means necessary. That's what he told himself as he caught himself staring at the moonlight reflecting so beautifully off of the blade of his letter opener. He never touched it, never felt its sting. But he'd imagined it more times than he could count. How it would feel to sink pitifully to the floor of his study, to bathe in that which kept him alive, and watch the world fade around him in silence. He wondered how Sebastian would react. Would he be annoyed at him for staining the Parisian rug he had only just cleaned, or would he be relieved that his demise brought about the end of the contract and the consumption of his ripened soul? Would he be amused by the fatal flaw of the humanity he bore, or bored by his lack of creativity and the vivid proof that he was wasting his time all along? Would he be angry at him for being so weak as to take his own life, or would he be saddened by the loss of his lover? There were far too many questions piquing his morbid curiousity for it to be so late at night.

He was awake again. That was no different from usual. Two chimes of the grandfather clock in the corner of his study made his unbearable insomnia more known than it had to be. If he could just sleep, all of his problens would be gone if only for a few hours. Perched on the rarely used lounge in front of the fireplace, the earl laid as still as stone. His eyes, both visible in these odd circumstances, trailed over the intricate chandlier in the center of the room. It wasn't alight, but that didn't matter. He moon lit the room enough for him to see the dangling crystals high above. They shone like stars in the false sky of the ceiling, unmoving and as barren as his mood. For the first time, he found himself thankful that Sebastian was still cleaning the kitchen rather than sharing his bed with him this night. He would have been left with no choice but to lie awake in bed for the entire night to avoid waking his immortal beloved. He didn't often rest, but when he did, the drop of a needle downstairs could awaken him. At least here he wasn't suffocated by the thick layers of bedding and even heavier memories taunting him in that very room. Of the nights shared betwixt he and his demon, with those hellfire eyes boring into his and those sensuous lips upon his thighs. When he was trapped beneath his lover's nude form or held in his protective arms, that was the closest to happiness he could possibly achieve now. So why didn't it heal the shattered cavity in his chest? That in itself brought about a horrible sense of guilt. Sebastian gave him everything, and until the end of the contract, he had nothing to give in return.

Clad in nothing but his nightshirt, the boy could only shiver and huddle deeper into the sapphire sofa. He could easily return to the warmth of his bedroom, where the duvet was heavy and the fireplace alight with dancing flames, but he couldn't bring himself to stand or so much as move for that matter. He was exhausted. There was no point in any of this anyways. He didn't flinch nor did he look up when he heard the door creak open, followed by a quiet sigh.

Sebastian knew he would be here. The second he stepped foot from his room, he'd been aware of his master's whereabouts. He came here often after midnight as of late. 'Again?' He wanted to ask, but his eyes softened and the words fell away from him the moment he saw his human's face. He appeared as if he were numb, but one glance at those twin pools of azure and heliotrope proved otherwise. He was in pain, but not the kind that could be eased with medicinal tinctures and herbal teas. He knew the boy had been struggling lately, but not to this extent. His fingers twitched as if he were reaching out for something unseen, but then Sebastian noticed something beneath his dangling fingers, something he was trying to hide: His letter opener. It laid on the ground atop an elegant pattern of emerald and sapphire, but to the devil's relief, there was not a trace of blood to be seen, nor the coppery smell it would normally leave. Physically, his beloved was unharmed. "My lord, might I ask what is troubling you?" An unintelligible mumble confused him further. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, why do you bother to stay with me? It's plain to see that all of this is meaningless. The second in dead, you will forget about me, as will everyone else. My revenge is no closer to completion than it was six years ago. Isn't it time to give up?" Those haunting orbs beckoned Sebastian nearer until he was kneeling beside the couch, stroking the cinereal locks framing Ciel's face. Said man's lashes fluttered before fully covering the irises bearing the proof of his despair, a wounded sound, not unlike a whimper parting the momentary hush.

"Give up?" Sebastian questioned, rising when Ciel pressed closer to the back of the couch, allowing enough space for them to lay side by side. His shoes were removed and carefully placed to the side of the couch before he joined the shorter male, wasting no time in pulling him flush against his chest. He securely entrapped him in his arms, guiding his head to his neck whilst nuzzling into the sea of silken slate. A shuddering breath met his ears as the little thing wrapped himself around him just as tightly, arms gripping his waist as if he were terrified that he would disappear the second he loosened his hold.

"I'm tired, Sebastian. I want to go. Can't you see that I don't belong here?"

He wasn't entirely wrong about that. There was something ethereal about his soul, something evanescent. Despite being laved over and lathered with sin time and time again, he was too pure for this cruel world. He was unsuited to leave heaven, yet he seemed as if he were forced from the golden gates a thousand years ago. He was of this Earth, but his soul was not. It left a painful pang in his chest. This was the only place for him now and he clearly had no memory of anything before this lifetime; There was no dulling shine to mark that his core was born centuries ago, just the radiant one of a young yet strong spirit. But he knew what those words meant. It wasn't that he didn't _belong_ here, it was that he didn't want to live this life any longer. That's what stung the most. These feelings had been building for years, how did he miss it for so long? "You can't go, sweetling. I need you here with me. As do the servants and Lady Elizabeth. It may not seem like much, young master, but you are loved beyond what words could express. I would detroy worlds for you, freeze hell, and burn heaven if that is what you wanted. Trap a thousand stars in the palm of my hand if that would make you smile and pull the oceans to the shore if that would please you. It is not true that you don't belong here, because you do. You belong here with me."

Left speechless, Ciel could only gape, eyebrows furrowing and lips narrowed into a thin line. His eyes were dry, but his expression all but screamed of the tears he refused to shed. He was conflicted, aching, yet thankful all the same. "But I am nothing." These scars he wore may never heal, and he may always struggle with such dark thoughts and self-destructive impulses, but he knew deep down, that Sebastian would always be there to pull him back when he began to axphixiate. And so, he fell silent, continuing to cling to his sole source of consolation while long, bare fingers caressed his back in a subduing fashion. A ginger brush of comforting lips upon his own had him relaxing fully into his demon's hold, tension fading for a split second as Sebastian tenderly devoured his mouth as well as the brunt of his sorrows. His initial query returned to his mind, only this time, it was with a slight change. "Do I even matter?"

When Sebastian spoke again, it was with his lips to the crown of his love's head. "To some, that may be true. But to me, beloved, you are _everything_... And, my lord?"

"Yes?" Ciel whispered, eyes threatening to drift shut unforced and upon their own accord for the first time in weeks.

With his body heat ensconcing them both. Sebastian allowed his calm aura to wash over his despondant master in waves, smiling when he finally saw those saddened eyes flutter shut for the night. "You matter more than life itself to me. And when your time does come, I will never forget you."


End file.
